800... wait nearly 900

Sorry
That's what I think needs to be said first after all that I'm sorry I haven't been here and other good bot creators I don't really have a good reason why I haven't been here even though I am thankful I reached this massive milestone and I'm sorry for everyone's bots I have forgotten to comment on.

Anyways even though I don't currently have any creators to shout out this time and again I'm sorry for that I still want to wish everyone a happy pride month and a happy men's mental health month. Some quotes that comes to mind for these is "Of all the things we could fear in this world, and we pick love." and "No matter how much others hurt each other, loving someone is never a waste."

I also appreciate the nice comments I've seen about me over time I've been on this site with the ones that come to mind being the ones about my music taste and how positive I am on here. I do want to say that I would love to see you guys spread kindness around but of course you guys don't need to if you don't want to either (of course I know many of you are already anyways).

Also on the slightly productive side of my life since I last made a bot I just finished season 2 and 3 of attack on titan (btw I can see why people say it's good), watched the look back movie (I love my fav author fujimoto), and I've watched all of fire force that is currently out so I could always make some bots of those characters when I get around to it. I'll try to make a bot soon for yall whenever that may be because I'm not quitting any time soon.

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Okay now to turn to the worse side of my life that has been going on since I last spoke to yall and this will be utter yap so bare with me:

So first of all my mum died again, specifically she had her 4th heart attack meaning her heart had to be restarted which basically kills her and pops an instant revive but luckily it worked again. Is it weird I still care so much about her after she constantly compare me to my dad and how she can't stand how miserable I am among other stuff (this is the dad that left like 7-9 years ago on father's day of all days so while everybody celebrates that I just remember how I never really had one in the first place). Moving on to me I've been dealing with my own suicidal thoughts which I know I shouldn't be havings but there's no helping it really when I provide no use to anyone plus I have major trust issues so I naturally close myself off to those around me. Oh yeah I don't know if I have multiple personalities either because it feels like I can't ever express myself through anything other than text because I instantly switch up to not how I actually feel (if you can't tell its hard for me to explain). I do wish I could say I was spending time off having a good time or a vacation or improving myself in some way but I can confidently say that I've tried out everything I could think of but I find it hard to find happiness in anything unless I force myself to feel happy. And I have a range of things I tried such as gaming, hacking, drawing, working out, playing the ukulele/ piano/ guitar, but no matter what I couldn't find out what my purpose or happiness is. Instead I will continue to devote myself to help people rather than myself. Oh yeah and my body is heading downhill more than normal especially my head as I've been having this medicine to help my problem with shitting but I'll continue take it until it helps me until I need urgent help more than I already do or it actually does as the medical stuff describes. I think I might have some sort of trauma coinciding with heavy anxiety so much I get scared if I have to talk to people but luckily as I said earlier I switch into a different personality who basically takes the reigns despite how I much I get shivers up my spine from even thinking of talking to others.

I hope that if anyone read that yap that it makes sense but if it doesn't I'm sorry for that too. I'm also sorry for anything I missed out in that recap of my life that I realised during my break. Oh and of course don't worry about saying that I can talk to you guys because its all mental stuff that I've tried to talk to people about before but it doesn't really help (obviously I haven't talked to anyone not about it tho)